Back with (hopefully) a bang!!!

It’s been 4 years since the world cup and 4 years since I’ve last posted on this blog (except for the one off blog entry on 'The Immortals of Meluha'). 4 year has been quite a long time to go on a hiatus.

But 4 years is definitely a long time for copious changes to happen in one’s life. From being Ms. to Mrs., from being in HR to becoming a part of an instructional designing team, from being Mrs. to almost taking the next step of becoming a mom but losing it mid way and from being employed to becoming unemployed. Numerous changes, numerous emotions, numerous gains and numerous pains. That just sums up my life for the last 4 years.

Over the course of these past 4 years life has been a constant teacher. It has allowed me to make mistakes, corrected me when needed, made me restless when my goals haven’t been achieved, given me the satisfaction and the much needed rest when I have been able to reach the next milestone in my life, given me the opportunity to be at my happiest best and made me grieve over what’s lost.

I met my special somebody, my future family whom I’ve come to believe as my own, made new friends, made new connections that last me a life time, met new people and carried on with life.

The past years has shown me both ups and downs, shown me my best and my worst, shown me who’s mine and who isn’t. I’ve lived every minute, every second of these past years. I’ve enjoyed my life for whatever it is during these years. I only hope that the future years have something good stored in them. Something memorable, something that makes life worth living!

Unconditional Love

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A story is told about a soldier who was finally coming home after having fought in Vietnam. He called his parents from San Francisco.

"Mom and Dad, I'm coming home, but I've a favor to ask. I have a friend I'd like to bring home with me."

"Sure," they replied, "we'd love to meet him."

"There's something you should know the son continued, "he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on a land mind and lost an arm and a leg. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live with us."

"I'm sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to live."

"No, Mom and Dad, I want him to live with us."

My sorrow is not for sale

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My sorrow is not for sale,
Nor for exhibition.
Yet I end up auctioning my tears
The devil bids the highest.

Courtesy: http://gaurigharpure.blogspot.com/

Guess I'm the one who's most familiar with this. My only hope would be to wish that the devil is actually an angel in the guise of a devil

Give me some sunshine give me some rain, give me another chance to grow up once again……….

Of late there’s this strange sense of loneliness that’s creeping into me. I’m feeling myself drawn into a black hole with no way out. It like walking in a dark room with no support, or like somebody’s blindfolded me and let me loose in a place which I’ve no clue about. Finding myself alone amidst a crowd of strangers is understandable. But I seem to be finding myself alone even among known people. I’m lost in my own thoughts when everybody around me is discussing something important. I don’t seem to connect with them on any level. I’ve tried to reason it out with myself, and am not able to come to any substantial conclusion. What’s more disturbing is every time I contemplate about it, I’m being drawn deeper into the black hole. It’s happening from within and it’s like I’m completely shutting myself from the outer world. I’m not becoming conceited but I do feel that I’m on the verge of becoming oblivious to the world around me. I know it’s not a good sign but I don’t see any ray of light which can pull me away from this feeling of emptiness.

Sad but true…

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Today I had to take one of the most difficult decision of my life………… closing my first ever salary account. I had been postponing this decision over the past 6 months with the hope that I may find a job and the account would become active again but it’s been of no use.

As I walked to the bank I had the feeling that I was going to lose a very dear friend of mine………… my debit card. I probably never felt this depressed even when I quit my job coz I was never attached to it.

I remember the very first day I had touched it, it felt so magical. I was ecstatic the day I was handed my very own debit card. I even remember the first purchase I made using the card.

Finishing the formalities as I handed the debit card and cheque book to the person sitting across the counter, he started fidgeting with my debit card. He bent it so that it cannot be reused again and I felt that he was bending a part of me. That’s when I realized: somebody’s prized possession may be somebody else’s toy.

As I walked back from the bank, my bag did feel lighter with the absence of the debit card and cheque book but my heart sure felt heavier.

Taciturn reflections indeed!

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I thought my creative juices had dried up & I was suffering from a temporary period of writer's block until a disturbing event surged up my emotions wreaking havoc in my mind.

The past few weeks have been extremely disturbing at the personal font & taxing my brains creating unexplainable turmoil within me. I have been muddling my way through this mess, dragging myself to face the realities of the harsh world yet again. I thought “YOU” were giving me the courage & the hope of a brighter tomorrow. All “YOU” were doing is feeding me with enough strength so that when I could faintly stand up on my legs, “YOU” can beat me down to dust again. “YOU” & me have an on-going battle, since time immemorial which both of know & are aware of. By now i have learnt of tricks to deceit “YOU” in “YOUR” own game. Yet my love & devotion towards you has never become less. Yes, I do question “YOU” on occasions when I felt “YOU” were not by me, those occasions when I needed “YOUR” support the most, I had to search high & low for “YOU.”

I do believe in the "footprints of sand", but “YOU” have never proved it to me when time & again I was faced with such situations where I wanted “YOU” to hold my hand and comfort me. Yet, I am not complaining about it.

But I don’t understand “YOUR” actions towards the people who trusted “YOU” the most. Even during the most disturbing times they never forget to thank “YOU” for what “YOU” have given them, yet it is these very people who “YOU” are torturing today with pain like they have never experienced before.

I know I deserve the 'testing times', “YOU” are taking me through. “YOU” probably want to make me emotionally stronger. What I fail to understand is why “YOU” are taking 'them' through these testing times when they definitely do not deserve this at this age. Don't “YOU” feel you are distancing “YOURSELF” from them??? Yet their love and devotion towards “YOU” will not become less. They will never complain to “YOU” about it.

I don’t know if this would make “YOU” feel any much guilty than “YOU” already are?

Depressing Depressions!

Its one of those days were you feel that the whole world’s against you and I’m in one of those rotten moods where I feel like cursing every damn person I come across with the most eloquent reprimand.

Its also one of those days when I really want to talk……………. just talk about all those thoughts pent up within me, the thoughts that are actually driving me crazy, the thoughts that are pushing me to the brink of insanity, the thoughts that are killing me. The only reason I don’t want to talk about them is because they don’t make any sense to anybody else other than me. You actually need to “be there- feel that” to understand the confusing turmoil happening within me.

Have you ever tried to doodle with your thoughts trying to make some sense out of the perplexity within you? If you’re actually as jobless as I am, try it one day. Sometimes it leads to amazing revelations about oneself; you discover stuff that you dint know about yourself and you’ll be amazed that you can actually think in that direction too. But most of the time you end up getting more confused than you were before.

When you are in one of these depressing moods, when you feel the need for a friend, a shoulder to cry on, it’s not hard to notice that you don’t find anybody next to you. You are left alone with these pondering thoughts with nobody to share, nobody to listen, and nobody to guide you in overcoming them. You are left with just one friend…. Your loneliness.

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