Of late there’s this strange sense of loneliness that’s creeping into me. I’m feeling myself drawn into a black hole with no way out. It like walking in a dark room with no support, or like somebody’s blindfolded me and let me loose in a place which I’ve no clue about. Finding myself alone amidst a crowd of strangers is understandable. But I seem to be finding myself alone even among known people. I’m lost in my own thoughts when everybody around me is discussing something important. I don’t seem to connect with them on any level. I’ve tried to reason it out with myself, and am not able to come to any substantial conclusion. What’s more disturbing is every time I contemplate about it, I’m being drawn deeper into the black hole. It’s happening from within and it’s like I’m completely shutting myself from the outer world. I’m not becoming conceited but I do feel that I’m on the verge of becoming oblivious to the world around me. I know it’s not a good sign but I don’t see any ray of light which can pull me away from this feeling of emptiness.
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I always had this thought in mind that I was surrounded by the best of people around me. Not that I doubt their caliber or the fact of their goodness, but on a personal level I just can’t seem to open up with them like I used to earlier. It’s like being dumb. I can see, hear, feel and sense everything that they are trying to communicate to me, but unfortunately I’m not able to reciprocate the same from end. It’s like I’m opening my mouth but no words seems to be flowing out. I don’t think anybody has been able to grasp on to my helplessness, they just think I’m not interested.
I always thought that I had the best of friends with whom I could talk about everything important or not so important topic under the sun. Not that I doubt on their friendship towards me. But quite disturbingly I find myself to be drifting apart from everybody whom I thought of as my close to me. Though the warmth in relationship is still there from their end, I don’t see the same to be happening from me.
It feels like my friends and I are standing on the opposite banks of a river. No doubt we are heading to the same direction. They have others with them, and I find myself walking alone. And there is this huge uncrossable river separating us. :( :( :(
These are just thoughts that I’m expressing from deep within. Knowingly or unknowingly my actions might have hurt people around me. I just want to say that these actions are not something that I am doing with full consciousness. Most of the times, It’s a just a post-action of something that’s already happened which I’m not able to fully recollect in picture but my heart can definitely recollect the pain it has caused.
As friends I do hope and pray you are able to understand my situation, and deeply apologize for the conflicting circumstances I have created. But I seek out for your support during these troubled times, coz I know that it’s with you by my side that I can face the world with full confidence like the sunflower faces the sun. Tolerate my clumsiness for a few more days, I’m sure your support can awaken the real me!
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