Depressing Depressions!

Its one of those days were you feel that the whole world’s against you and I’m in one of those rotten moods where I feel like cursing every damn person I come across with the most eloquent reprimand.

Its also one of those days when I really want to talk……………. just talk about all those thoughts pent up within me, the thoughts that are actually driving me crazy, the thoughts that are pushing me to the brink of insanity, the thoughts that are killing me. The only reason I don’t want to talk about them is because they don’t make any sense to anybody else other than me. You actually need to “be there- feel that” to understand the confusing turmoil happening within me.

Have you ever tried to doodle with your thoughts trying to make some sense out of the perplexity within you? If you’re actually as jobless as I am, try it one day. Sometimes it leads to amazing revelations about oneself; you discover stuff that you dint know about yourself and you’ll be amazed that you can actually think in that direction too. But most of the time you end up getting more confused than you were before.

When you are in one of these depressing moods, when you feel the need for a friend, a shoulder to cry on, it’s not hard to notice that you don’t find anybody next to you. You are left alone with these pondering thoughts with nobody to share, nobody to listen, and nobody to guide you in overcoming them. You are left with just one friend…. Your loneliness.

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Mein aur meri tanhai, aksar ye baaten karte hain
ki aye dost, agar tum hotin to kaisa hota, tum ye kehtin, tum woh kehtin
tum is baat pe hairan hotin, tum us baat pe kitni hanstin

tum hotin to aisa hota, tum hotin to vaisa hota,

mein aur meri tanhai, aksar ye baaten karte hain

It is during these times of my futile search for a friend, that I turn to my favorite diary with faded yellow pages and start penning my worries, anxiety, thoughts that actually flow out of my mind to get inked on paper……. Just that now I get down to blogging.

I am in a dilemma now. They say that admitting that you are in a problem, solves half of the problem. So I am admitting, I am in a problem, a crisis, a quandary. I need help. Now I don’t know by help do I mean a person to lend his ears to my non-stop nonsense blabbering, or psychiatric help that will allow me to bawl off my pent up feelings. That’s upto to you to decide.

I’m actually thinking about the way my life has shaped up so far and how is it going to be in the future. Not a comforting thought to think about and waste your jawani on, but the situation I am in right now is forcing me to do it. All the things that are going wrong( most of the times) and all the things that are going right( rarely), all the things I’m missing, all the things I’m desperately yearning for( does freedom ring a bell here???), all things I’m turning a blind eye to and all the things I’m running after – I’m thinking about all this and more.

Life was so much more comforting and relaxed when I was a student. The max I had to worry about was assignment due, or preparations for a presentation. But now……. Oh god! Why does life get complicated as you grow up or do we make life complicated???

Anger, depression, loneliness, and nostalgia are not exactly the world’s greatest combination!!!